Good morning my lovelies and welcome to another new feature of my new blog! Every day I wake up at way too early o’clock. (Please note, this is a relative time and will be different for everyone.) The one good thing about this is that occasionally I come up with what I consider to be brilliant ideas. At the time. Then I wake up and go “what the fuck was I thinking?” Well, clearly I wasn’t. Clearly my subconscious was still in charge. And instead of convincing me that it’s “totally cool to try and fall back asleep twenty minutes before the alarm goes off” (it never is, and always makes me feel like I’m going to vomit when the alarm does go off) it instead goes “let’s see what we can get this dumb bitch to do.”
My subconscious is as much of a dick as my paranoia. They’re brother and sister actually.
And now that I’m done naming the voices in my head and assigning them genders, let me tell you about yesterday’s brilliant idea.
Brilliant idea at way too early o’clock number the first:
“You’re running out of time”
They should come up with an app where you can program in your home address, your work address, and what time you have to be at work everyday. Then the app takes into consideration driving conditions and traffic and treats this data like a health meter in a video game.
Here me out.
It’ll start beeping when your “health” (time to leave without being late to work) gets low. When you get into “critical” range it’ll be chirping frantically- or sound like a racing heart, depending on your setting- until finally your phone starts flashing red. That’s when you know to “fuck finding real pants, you’re ass is about to be late” and run out the door.
(Now, a video of a low health warning was going to go here … but I couldn’t find a good one. One without someone TALKING OVER THE WARNING. Idiots. Don’t you know what I’m trying to do here? Instead, I offer you up Gwar’s Ragnarok, which is NSFW. Why use it here? Because whenever I say “you’re running out of time” I then hear “ashes to ashes and dust to dust” as that’s the next line in the song. Especially first thing in the morning when I’m still more than a little tired.)