Originally I had this big long rambling post planned to address my family reunion this weekend. I had it all typed out and everything. You see, I just found out Tuesday that I’m expected to attend a reunion of my father’s cousins on Saturday. I haven’t seen any of these people since my grandmother died. Longer since I did anything resembling “hanging out” under “pleasant circumstances.”
I tried to get out of it, but … Trainwreck. If you don’t know what that means, watch the movie and understand that I have what might be known as “daddy issues.”
So here I am, preparing to go see all these distant relations who I barely know, four of which are my exact age, and trying not to think of it as a high school reunion. Something I can only do because I remembered my cousin Jaime is kind and wonderful … God I hope she’s going.
If not, I still have plans. Namely to be as abnormal as possible so that I am never invited to another reunion again. Here is a brief list of the things I’ve come up with:
Bringing our friend Kevin and heavily implying we’re a triad: “Oh, Kevin? He’s my husband’s life mate.” (Leaving out the key term “platonic”) “He does things for my husband that I can’t” (Also true, I just wouldn’t say that those “things” are going to see horror movies.)
Making up jobs: “Oh, I work at (company name redacted) and for extra money we have our live webcam feed.” Not that there’s anything wrong with being a cam girl, but can you picture my family’s faces when I told them?
Stream TI5 on Twitch and imply I have money riding on the results: “I just … I really want Team Secret to win. No, I need Team Secret to win. Uh … if they don’t win … I uh … can I crash at your place for a couple of weeks. I just … need to avoid a certain … situation.”
In the end, the only thing I’m actually doing is taking my own car so I’m not stuck there. Partially so I don’t feel trapped, but also because my husband doesn’t handle the heat well and we might need to duck out early. I won’t intentionally be an asshole because no matter how distant these relations are, they’re still family.