Today we start a new feature here on Wicked Fierce where we ruin perfectly good movies with terrible reboot ideas. In honor of October, and all the glories held within, we’re starting with Child’s Play.
Oh, and I should mention … not only does this lack proper formatting (this is my first “screenplay” and wordpress and I had a difference of opinion on formatting) but it’s also mostly unedited. I’m going to say it’s because I wanted to add to that indie screenplay feel, but really it’s because if I don’t post this now I’ll talk myself out of it.
So, before I wuss out, here it is:
So Easy It’s Child’s Play
By Ginny Lurcock
EXT . UPSCALE SUBURBAN HOME – EVENING
As day fades to night, a car pulls up in front of the home. MIKE, an African-American police detective in his mid-forties with close cropped hair just starting to go grew at the temples, gets out of the car and storms up the walkway. He is visibly upset. When he throws open the door to the house, he startles KAREN, a woman in her early thirties of average height and appearance, stress lines around her eyes, as she exits. He brushes past her without paying her any attention
Stuck up asshole
She closes the door behind her as the camera Mike through the open foyer and straight into the kitchen. Once there, he throws his case onto the table. Files and papers spill out including a picture on top of a CHARLES LEE MAJORS RAY, a white male also in his forties. In the picture, he’s in a court room wearing a cheap suit, and oily smile on his face. Lightning chrases as PETER, a well kept man in his mid thirties, enters wearing a suit, his government name tag stating that he is Dr. P. Rineum is visible. Mike continues to stomp around the kitchen, pulling a beer from the fridge and slamming drawers in an effort to find the can opener. Peter frowns as he realizes that Mike is so wrapped up in his woes that he has not noticed he’s no longer alone. Stepping up to the third drawer from the fridge, he easily finds the can opener, handing it to Mike with a smile. As Mike takes it, Peter steals a kiss, brushing his hand over the front of Mike’s pants and squeezing gently. Mike appears to relax.
What’s wrong, love?
Mike tenses back up before opening his beer and throwing the cap.
It’s that asshole Vincent, he’s fucked everything.
Well they’ve already let out half the assholes he’s convicted, and now they want to let Ray out too.
Peter frowns in concentration
He’s the one who cut up all those girls, right?
The very same.
So what are you going to do?
Not a fucking thing. There’s nothing to do. I’ve looked over all the evidence again and again, and even though I’m the one who collected it, it’s all tainted because Vincent is the one who signed off on it.
Mike collapses into a chair and downs half his beer.
I just… I don’t know how to fix this
Peter eyes the picture as another crack of lightning highlights the kitchen. A maniacal glint suddenly enters his eyes and his lips curve into a malicious smile.
Don’t worry love, I’m sure everything will work out.
Mike starts to ask how, but the good doctor has already taken the beer from his hand and slid into his lap. The camera pans to the picture and we see the doctor’s hand slide it out of the file as we hear pants being unzipped and Mike groaning.
INT. JAIL CELL – NIGHT
Charles is doing push-ups in his cell without his shirt on. He is bigger than in his picture. As he lowers himself to the ground, he glances to his left. Under his bed, you can see a picture of Mike. He winks at the picture, blowing it a kiss. When he raises himself back up, Peter is there with PRISON GUARD- a non-discript man of who the fuck cares. Just hire your nephew or something. This character gets one line.
On your feet, Ray. You’ve got a visitor
And that was it. I hope he cherishes this experience forever. It’s the only speaking part he’ll ever get.
Conjugal visit? No offence, Nancy, but I don’t swing that way.
Peter smiles, and lightning crashes once again.
I assure you, Mr. Ray, even if you did, I wouldn’t be interested. I do, however, have a proposition of a … different nature for you.
Charles eyes him up and down, and gives a brief nod.
You’re on, pretty boy. Lead the way.
The prison guard opens the door, and as soon as Charles steps through, Peter injects him in the neck with a syringe. Both the guard and Peter watch him fall, the guard going so far as giving him a kick as soon as he hits the ground.
Not so cocky now, are you faggot?
Okay, so I was wrong Prison Guard. You got a second line. But Peter is now eying you. Rather unimpressed. After a moment, he smiles and grabs the guards arm. The guard looks down, and finds that he, too, has been injected.
INT. LAB – DAY
The camera focuses on Charles’s face as he blinks himself awake. He tries to move his head, but is unable to. In a panic, he tries to look around as best he can. He discovers that he is strapped to a gurney in a sterile lab. To his right, there are two other gurneys. The one directly to his right has a sheet covering a small form, as if the body underneath was that of a child. Beyond that is the body of the prison guard, his skull cracked open and wires hanging from his exposed brain.
A sound from the corner draws his eye. Peter wheels his computer chair away from his desk, pulling a pair of wire framed glasses off as he does.
Excellent, you’re awake.
Charles tries to speak, but finds that he’s unable to do that as well.
Oh, I wouldn’t waste any effort trying to speak. Or move. Or anything, really. I made sure that you wouldn’t be able to do much. Except for feel, of course.
His smile is wide, full of teeth, and terrifying. A shark would piss himself at that smile.
After all, this is a ground breaking experiment. I’d hate for you to miss it.
He walks over to the child corpse and pulls back the sheet, revealing a Good Guy doll, the head open, exposing a complicated computer setup inside.
Especially since I went through so much trouble to get things right, this time.
He walks out of Charles line of sight and makes a medical ruckus. When he comes back, he’s pulling a medical tray.
I mean, don’t get me wrong. I would’ve been thrilled if the homophobe would’ve worked out. It would have given me a sick little thrill to be able to make him do the poof’s dirty work. But … well I’m sure I’ve worked out where I went wrong before. So instead, Ray, you’ll be my test subject. It’s fitting really. My husband put you behind bars, and I’ll make sure you’ll never taste freedom again.
He blinks before smiling again, and approaches Charles with a scalpel raised
INT BIG BOX STORE – DAY
A frazzled Karen is pushing a cart down a toy aisle of the local big box store. With her is AYDEN, a precocious nearly six year old, practically vibrating with excitement
So what would you like for your birthday?
Ayden takes off at a run and skitters to a stop in front of the Good Guy doll. Cue ominous music.
I want this one mommy!
Karen walks up and takes the toy out of his hand, glancing between it and the shelf. Cut to shelf to show a sticker price of $109.99. Karen sucks in a breath, coughs, and sets the doll back on the shelf, gently.
How about, instead, I get you some LEGO
I thought I was too small for LEGOS
Karen walks over to the legos display and picks up a set priced at $19.99
I think you might be big enough for these LEGOS
Ayden picks up another set, also priced $19.99
These ones too?
Karen gives her mercenary son the side eye. After a moment, she shrugs
Yeah, why not.
They throw both sets into the cart and walk away. As they turn the corner, a MAN and WOMAN in their early twenties, both attractive but not overly so, round the corner. As they do, the man spots the Good Guy doll display and rushes over. When he gets to the display he is pumped, shaking. It looks a little like he’s about to pee his pants.
Woah! They’re making Good Guy dolls? I always wanted one of these as a kid.
Really? Those things are creepy as fuck.
I know, that’s why they’re amazing.
You were going to ask if you could buy it, and the answer is no. You are not buying that. No way, no how.
Oh come on.
The woman frowns and crosses her arms, but the man gives puppy dog eyes.
What are you even going to do with it?
Keep it in my office with the rest of my collection. This is a collectible, babe. Think of it as an investment.
Sensing her resolve weakening, he goes in for the kill
An investment in our future.
Fine. But it stays in the box and in your office. I mean it. If I find it anywhere else in the house I’m melting it down.
The man breaks into a victory dance.
AND! you have to go down on me every day this month.
The man stops mid dance
Wait, even during shark week?
Especially during shark week.
Man looks between the Good Guy doll and his girlfriend’s crotch. With a resigned sigh, he nods.
They both walk off
INT. OFFICE – NIGHT
Good Guy Doll is high on a shelf surrounded by other collectibles. All are sealed in their packaging and in specialty cases. All the eyes of all the collectibles are open, and they’re all watching the Good Guy doll
GOOD GUY DOLL
What are you all looking at? What are you all looking at?
INT LAB – NIGHT
Peter sits alone, smiling, watching a monitor where he can see what Charles sees and hear what Charles hears.
But they don’t answer, Charles, do they? They never answer. They just sit there and watch you in silent condemnation. If only they’d let you out of the box, you could’ve been so much more. You could’ve moved around the world, interacting with other people. Killing, even. Though it wouldn’t have been for thrills this time around, but on my command. It would’ve been so gratifying to override your control of your little doll body.
Who knows what I could’ve made you do.
But this … this is better. Only letting you speak when you’re alone. Watching you go slowly insane. Knowing you’ll never hurt anyone ever again.
And as for my robot assassin… Well, I have your brothers for that.
The camera pans out and we see rows upon rows of figures, as ominous music beings to play, we watch as the eyes glow an eerie neon green.
And there you have it, my pitch for a Child’s Play reboot. Hollywood, I await your call.
Please let me know what you think in the comments below and come back next month when I pitch my idea for a sequel to the Goonies.