Sometime ages ago (and I really need to start dating my work) I wrote this little bit of pseudo-fiction. I say pseudo as it actually is more like “this is how I feel because of my fucking demons.”
Now that I’m reorganizing the site, I’m posting it again so the entire world can see these demons once again.
I never said I had a sense of self-preservation…
Make the world go away
A short story by Ginny Lurcock
With a grunt, the woman threw her MP3 player across the room before slumping into a heap on the floor. “Uh, is everything ok?” He asked his normally soothing voice grating on her nerves. She didn’t want his comfort, not today, not now. She tried wrapping her arms around her head to make him disappear, but he wouldn’t be deterred. His hands wrapped around her much smaller wrists and pried them from her face until he could look her in the eyes. “Hey, what’s up?”
“I couldn’t find any book to listen to.” She mumbled.
One eyebrow rose, and the corners of his lips twitched slightly as if he was repressing a smile. “And for that, an MP3 player had to die?” He motioned to the remains of the device shattered against the wall.
“Yes. No. Oh, I don’t know!” Throwing her hands up in exasperation she tried to rock to her feet but instead fell flat on her butt with a “whompf”. Not even bothering to try standing again she tucked her legs against her chest, resting her chin on her knees and wrapping her arms around herself. “I just feel very…” She struggled for a word for a moment, “misanthropic lately, you know?” When he didn’t say anything, and only moved to sit next to her so their sides were touching, she continued. “You know that scene in ‘6 Dancing Princesses’ where they’re saying their prayers and the youngest goes ‘God bless everybody and everything everywhere’? Well replace ‘God bless’ with ‘fuck’ and it just about sums up how I feel.”
“So fuck the world?” When she only nodded slightly he continued in a whisper, “even me?”
“No. Not you. Never you. You know that.” Releasing a breath she hadn’t realized he was holding he wrapped his arm around her and pulled her to snuggle against his side. Worrying about his misplaced doubt she peaked up to look at his face. “You do know that, don’t you?”
Sighing he leaned down to brush a kiss against her forehead. “Of course I know, but I just worry sometimes. That maybe the reason you’re depressed is because of me. That I’m not good enough.” He squeezed his eyes shut and let his head fall back.
“Don’t think that. Don’t ever think that!” Wrapping one arm around his back she turned slightly so she faced him and reached up with her free hand to cup his face. “You’re the only good thing. The only good thing in my entire world. You have to understand that.” She blinked back tears and choked back a sob. Unable to speak without betraying her despair she rubbed her thumb across her cheek. He swallowed several times, but he still didn’t speak. Didn’t even bother to look at her. “Baby? Tell me you know that. Tell me you know how much I love you.”
“I know.” He smiled as he looked down at her, but she could tell it was forced and the knowledge that she’d upset him caused her physical pain. The one spot of light in her shitty dark world and she was risking losing it because of her own stupidity. She could kick herself. She’d do much worse if he ever left her over this. And why wouldn’t he? Who would want to be tethered to such a seething pit of hatred and self-doubt? The real question was why he’d put up with it for so very long. She tried to smile back at him, but it was all she could do to hold back the tears. It felt like something had been ripped from her chest leaving a gaping hole, a place that nothing would be able to fill ever again. She buried her head back against his chest, hoping to hold onto his light just a little bit longer. Maybe if she clung hard enough now she’d be able to remember the feeling when he was no longer hers.
When he wrapped his other arm around her and pulled her into an embrace so tight it hurt she began to breathe again. Perhaps he wasn’t as eager to bolt as she’d thought. She snuggled closer, wanting to be as near to him as physically possible. Even that, she knew, wouldn’t be close enough. “I wish it could be just us for the rest of forever.” She mumbled into his chest. “Let the world fall away and leave us alone.”
He pressed his lips to the top of her head, and she could feel his smile in his kiss. This time, the smile felt genuine. He released her with one arm, still keeping the other wrapped around her, cocooning her in his light. Using the index finger on his free hand he tipped her chin up so he could look her in the eyes. Noticing her tears, his smile faltered slightly before he leaned down to kiss the offending moisture away. “You are my world. You are my forever.” His simple words brought fresh tears to her eyes and she had to choke back a sob.
“I love you.” She bit her lips knowing the words weren’t enough, that they’d never be enough. How could any words begin to describe the way she felt about him, what he meant to her?
“I love you too.” And with that, he leaned down and kissed her. When their lips were joined and they were connected she felt, for a moment, that they were the only two people in the world. That nothing existed outside of the two of them. For that one moment, their world was perfection.